Dateline: Oct. 2003. Despite repeated queries to the Google search engine, I can find no page that contains the phrase "it takes two shits to make a shatner." An unacceptable lapse in mankind's quest to catalog all human culture online!

Therefore welcome to EXPLORING THE SHATNER, an in-depth and heart-felt look at this blight on our safety, our sanity, our selves.

 THE SHATNER: What is it?

A loathsome and deplorable act, executed as follows:

1. Break into victim's house.
2. Defecate in obvious place, such as: center of coffee table.
3. Defecate in obscure place, such as: behind Russian literature on top shelf of book case.
4. Escape.

The subject of a shatnering will immediately clean up (or hire those less fortunate than he to clean up) the first stool. The second stool is left to wreak its potent odor's treachery!

Thus the widely recited aphorism, it takes two shits to make a shatner.

 THE SHATNER: Are we in any danger?

Of course. A shatner can occur at any time. Those who seek to put the shatner on you are scheming even as you read this, eating hot sauces, drinking coffees, checking the latch on your window. Your only hope is to follow these shatner deterrent directives as faithfully as you can:

Never keep furnishings in the home.
An end table, a comfortable chair. They seem harmless. But each interrupts your direct line of sight to the floor. Indeed, any surface you cannot confirm to be shit-free at first glance labels you "easy target" in the eyes of a would-be shatnerist.

Purchase and deploy shit detection equipment.
A consumer-grade shit detector is available at any Radio Shack outlet. Buy one and learn how to operate it. Keeping this device on display helps to ensure that you will never need to use it.

Don't piss people off.
A recent study suggests that up to 89% of all shatnerings are the direct result of malice. As the shatnered becomes the shatnerer, a cycle of hatred and violence spirals assily out of control. Don't let this happen to you.

You may also wish to get involved with a shatner awareness group or shatner safety program in your area.

 THE SHATNER: Can't anything be done?

The legislature is powerless to stop the shatner. The highest courts have refused to hear findings related to the shatner. The police routinely treat shatner victims as complicit in their own shatnering. Such is the moral and social stigma of having had two shits in your house that a conspiracy of silence oppresses even those of us who understand the horrifying effect the shatner can have on our lives and the lives of those we love.

We cannot combat the shatner. We can only huddle together and pray we've done nothing in this life for which the shatner might be our just reward.


Mail most terrible true turd tales to
shatner {at} suchascream {dot} net.